moving to tumblr. thank you neocities!!!!!!!!!!! thank you
December 11, 2020
im scared and everything hurts
one more year this part of the fight is one more year and
im going to do everything to make it out alive
my head hurts
i have way to many crutches i depend on and the sad thing is that they work so well
im scared of destroying my brain. but tyler gives me so much hope.
other people come off so much cooler than me unfiltered hahha
these people on the internet are like cool characters to me.
silhouetted. good design!
i have a long way to go.
might migrate the blog
need to fix my sleeping
"i'm not sure if i can life this hard. maybe help someone."
i want to fast forward this part
the mac i'm using is nice
August 19, 2020
i feel alone and numb. everything feels all too still. just don't want to get worse.
August 16, 2020
thinking you have everything, your life is bound to be defined by what you lose. creating ephemeral moments, cultivating the liminal--i'm scared of cheapening the only things left in my life that mean anything. living a monochrome life. im in awe. tracing the line where white meets black. pushing against each other. trying to blend..blending...then the magic gets lost. that moment riiight before feels like !!!!! to me. what's there at the collision of two colors??? i felt that one time and it felt pre-human, pre-emotional, pre-anything. It felt like god it felt sustainble. that "open world" state of mind--forever!!! it feels like something that i can't ever lose.
"i love his delivery, soooo good."
August 2, 2020
doing well--art soon from every angle ever.
June 5, 2020
June 1, 2020
today was a weird one. i just sat by myself and ranted on about my self loathing. i just said it out loud.
all of my most negative thoughts that repeat over and over in my head. i felt really relieved saying it. even if its just the worst shit ever maybe saying it helps
it beats having negative thoughts trapped in my head.
May 29, 2020
murky days...wish for some clarity.
May 26, 2020
i'm just so damn angry...every day. i wonder if other people feel the same.
May 26, 2020
cried while watching a spaceX video today...i think for a moment it woke up an old old dream
May 17, 2020
weird day today. feel like something is supposed to happen.
May 16, 2020
was kinda a meh day but feel rested.
"bury me with receipts, my history in transactions"
May 16, 2020
wake up. self-loathing wooooooo
my mind is uh..working against me
May 15, 2020
anooother day in the simulation
i was gonna hang myself with an xlr cable yesterday.
honestly that would of been kinda lame
"yeah this is great"
i need my painful lack of self-awareness to END.
"RECORD GREASE LEVELS"
had some real tangible pangs of jealousy today. ahhwell lol.
May 14, 2020
experiencing some choice paralysis today. i want the autonomy that my friends
are starting to get...but the road seems steep. most of the time i don't feel like it's worth it. i've been getting
really fucked over by these intense feelings of self-loathing and just overall not wanting to live another goddamn second.
i feel like i just have to pick a direction and go and just grit my teeth. living moment by moment, letting my gut do the deciding.
i can tell myself and people around me getting tired of my bitching and meandering. i don't want to rely on anyone. and well, i want friends
and i really really like the friends i have now, but i don't want my life to revolve around them. hell it took olympia...maybe 30 days to
set herself up in an ideal position? that fucking amazes me. her and sasha seem more and more alike everyday. gonna "plan" tonight...or you know throw
a dart at a map or something. just...anything. beats doing nothing.
May 11, 2020
I got some straaange urges.
THOUGHT ECONOMY. THOUGHT WARFARE.
May 10, 2020
wading through self-loathing every day
May 4, 2020
fuck 12. fuck me
May 1, 2020
Feeling tired and unsure.
when did i get so mad
totally, utterly hate myself. i really do. i want to wear a mask so i dont see myself in the mirror
April 23, 2020
"this song changed my life, you know?"
April 19, 2020
at ease today. my time is coming
April 18, 2020
i saw it, I know what i have to be.
April 17, 2020
Feel like a zombie today but now I have hope.
"olympia sasha chris how did u know???"
"fuck that, whoa"
April 15, 2020
feeling confident to-day.
"their outfits are so fucking cool"
April 13, 2020
Woke up at 7pm!! New record. Just gotta push it back 12 more hours.
April 10, 2020
As far as I'm concerned today isn't real.
no song today.
"Rocky is fucking hilarious on this song."
April 9, 2020
Not a good day.
"I'll see you by the water We can hang out all night long."
April 8, 2020
The big 2-0.
April 7, 2020
Reluctant update today. Feel too kimochii to bother.
April 6, 2020
What routine will be the rest of my life? I'm waking up in the afternoon now and I don't like it. I wish I could sleep shorter hours. Gonna write to-day.
My heart is that much harder now. And I thought that it would stay that way, before today.
April 5, 2020
nice. this is like a whole album filled with "noid"s.
April 4, 2020
Feeling much better today.
i can listen to music so loud when i'm high...want to drown everything out
April 3, 2020
am i losing my optimism? time and time again
i see that happiness is something only afforded by hurting others. I don't me or my friends to be taken advantage of
anymore. Time for tribalism. Filled with hate and confusion to-day.
here we go...everything looks so pretty in 16mm.
getting tired of music
April 2, 2020
feel gross today. thinking about perc
"i want to die. i dont want to be here everyday...bit by bit"
"solo and logos"
April 1, 2020
Had a terrible dream today where I saw someone i miss. Now I miss them even worse.
I will never never be good enough. Happy b day mom!.
listening to this song alot lately. i think you can probably hear what song sampled
this lol. This song on its own feels so airy and free.
March 31, 2020
Doing nothing to-day. Feeling uneasy. Want to skip ahead a couple of months.
March 30, 2020
Feeling cloudy headed today. "You're the one I look to when there's a thousand suns in the sky."
todays song is Keith Jarett playing "Danny Boy" Keith Jarret is an awesome piano player!
but hoooly shit he usually makes these super annoying grunting souds when he plays. it sound like he's fucking the piano. this performance
doesn't have any that.
How afraid are you of algorithms?
When I show my friends a really good song that
the algorithm recommended to I feel self-conscious about it. Algorithms somehow feel disingenuous to me,even though they're the opposite!
They are the ultimate reflection of us. They know more about you than you or friends will ever know.
song of the day is "Some Things Last A Long Time" by Daniel Johnston. very potently sad song. real simple chords and a
cracked voice. :((( this album might be his best. some people dont mind super lofi daniel but even for me its gets really distracting sometimes. this album really
clears away that lofi murk and makes you appreciate how good of a songwriter daniel was. damn....."was" R.I.P. daniel :(
MARCH 29, 2020
feeling strangely calm and well amid this chaos... my sleeping schedule is fixed. i got up at 7 am!!!
i fixed my sleeping by spending about 8 hours in vr it's getting too good...i wanna live there forever (lol) my days r punctuated by sudden feelings of intense dread
so to make it stop i have to distract myself!!! gotta make something gotta do something...everyday
the song of the day is "I Can't Stop" by Lemon D nice rhodes & basslines over dnb beat...very chill.
maybe even too chill??? someone should make a lofi study station with songs like these
MARCH 28, 2020
The MonBlog Begins! Will pretty much post anything here...